In a shocking finding, scientist discovered a herd of unicorns living in a remote, previously unexplored valley, in the Andes Mountains. Even more surprising to the researchers was the fact that the unicorns spoke perfect English.
They also were found to have perfectly coiffed hair, and wore what appeared to be Dior makeup.
“We were shocked to discover the unicorns,” said anthropologist Daniel St. Maurice. “They were like nothing we had ever seen before. We had heard legends of the unicorns, but never thought they actually existed.”
When the scientists first arrived in the valley, the unicorns were surprised and startled by the presence of humans, but were also excited. The unicorns welcomed the researchers and explained that they had been waiting for them for a very long time.
“The unicorns said that they had been waiting for us for a very long time,” said Dr. St. Maurice. “They said they had always known that humans would eventually discover them, but that they had also always known that humans would be too stupid to realize the unicorns had been waiting for them.”
The unicorns told the scientists that they had left the valley to explore the world, but that after years of traveling the world, they found humans to be incredibly stupid and decided to return to the valley to live in peace.
“We were shocked,” said Dr. St. Maurice. “We had no idea that the unicorns had been waiting for us. We also had no idea that unicorns were capable of speech. It was a truly magical moment.”
The unicorns said that they had long ago become tired of humans, but that they were excited to learn about the progress that had been made in the last 100 years.
“They were also disappointed to learn that in the past 100 years, we had not discovered the cure for cancer,” said Dr. St. Maurice. “They also seemed shocked that we were still fighting in wars.”
After a day of interacting with the unicorns, the scientists were eager to return to civilization and tell everyone about their amazing discovery. However, the unicorns had other plans.
“We wanted to return to civilization to tell everyone about the unicorns, but the unicorns refused to let us leave,” said Dr. St. Maurice. “They said they were very disappointed that we were so stupid and that we had wasted our lives on Earth.”
The unicorns then asked the scientists to help them kill all of the humans on Earth. The scientists agreed, saying that they were